Toni Law is my grandmother, or as we young children affectionately came to call her, Nana. When most people imagine their grandmothers or other people’s grandmothers they think of knit sweaters and half moon reading spectacles. When I think of my Nana- when anyone who has ever known Toni thinks of her- we see a very different woman. A blond bombshell, legs that seemingly go on forever, eyes the colour of the true Indian Ocean, green and blue filled with fire and compassion. The woman more beautiful than any 1950’s pin up. Yet, the amazing features of Toni do not solely pertain to her heart wrenching beauty. For those who have had the pleasure of reading my grandparent’s published works than perhaps you have a better insight in to the woman of whom I am speaking. The woman who starred on TV Guide with two tigers framing her striking face.
The protagonist in this story is a woman with complexities of the soul and mind, with a history of devotion and single-handed determinedness, with a penchant for generosity and forgiveness, and with an unwavering belief in the good of tomorrow. My Nana, with her Supermodel good looks, could educate you on the correct pronunciations of Latin, she could inform you as to which sovereign authority ruled England in any given time, she could paint a tiger that was so life like it would continue to sell for thousands of dollars for three decades after its inception. My Nana could tell you how to hold a laughing hyena, how to get dressed in thirty pounds of American foot ball gear in order to correctly train your lion, how to delicately but firmly remove an immature chimpanzee from your long locks of hair, and all the while she would be quoting Wordsworth, Milton, and the forgotten works of Shakespeare.
Toni Law has travelled the globe on secret missions, has worked with what the popular culture refers to as Feral Children, has overcome the Himalayas, and has thwarted would be Egyptian attackers with nothing but a Mag Lite torch (in the smallest unexplored vicinity of the inaccessible secret corridors of ancient Pyramids). Toni Law has loved with all of her heart. She has loved a man, a best friend and sister, a daughter, three grand children, and a million people who at some point in their life needed a great woman to love them. She has lost, she has lost greater than any of us could ever claim to know or relate to. Holding on to the infant animals that she could not save while they drowned in the rage of a flash flood. Holding on to her sister as she too passed into the next life. Holding on to the memories of a life that was so unfairly ripped from her grips at the horrendous accusations once made against her first husband (all accusations which I can proudly say were untrue and born from nothing but malice, and lacked any evidence to convince one of otherwise).
Toni Law is a woman who not only deserves attention, love, and devotion, but merely demands it through her very presence. She walks into a room and a calm silence and reverie engulfs the inhabitants, all eyes on her. The woman exudes class from every pore in her body, she glides over surfaces and through our lives as the ever virtuous Victorian lady; proper, unwavering, unscathed, untouchable, educated in the Arts and the Science, culture radiating from her core. A seraph of beauty and compassion, an endless sea of knowledge, a thespian of comedy and delight, a reflection of the age of women now seemingly lost. The woman with divine beauty, with unparalleled certainty and education, with delicate propensities to be proper and virtuous, with a command of language and history, and with a fierce pride in her body, soul and mind. It is when I think of my Nana that I feel a great distaste for my generation of women. The girls who wear six inches of nylon and call it a dress, the girls who forfeit education for an easier, more accessible, route. The girls who think the words “I have spread my dreams beneath your feet, tread softly because you tread on my dreams,” is a literal instruction instead of the heart wrenching words of Yeats. The girls who think their grandparents have nothing left to offer them but Christmas cards and inheritance. I defy these girls as I defy my generation’s concern with the past. To be an untouchable woman you must command an audience, you must be learned in the ways of old and new, language and arithmetic, love and body, soul and heart; you must be able to differentiate between realism and post modernism, you must be able to not only tell a humorous joke but know when it is appropriate to laugh.
If my idolization of my Nana makes me too traditional to socialize with in this modern era than that is indefinitely fine with me. I challenge any other 20-something girl to find a woman to look up to, to idolize as inspirational, and they will find this weeks’ Hollywood star. I compel you all, women and men, young and old, to find someone who is truly great. Someone who took a firm grip on this world, with all its dark treacheries and delicate beauties and rule, and held on to it tightly, and dominated it into submission, and came out the other side as a woman to be admired. I have loved and I have lost, I am versed in old and new text, I am traveled and I am cultured. I am bilingual and I am attractive. These qualities are ones I am proud of, but they do not make me a woman to admire. For this is just the beginning. I have merely placed my foot into the lake of experience, merely glimpsed over the texts of knowledge, merely begun to take my form as a human.
I idolize Toni Law for she is accomplished. Accomplished in the ways of life, accomplished in the tasks set before us by whatever, if any, entity we so choose to have faith in, accomplished in the societal rules laid before her. She exceeded expectations for her own generation and now she sets the bar for me and others like myself. When words become to overbearing and begin to mix, jumble, and confuse, it is easier to say it like this: “Nana, I am proud of you. I am proud to be of your blood. I am proud to know you.”
Toni Law has taken life and loved it, learned with it, learned through it. She has set an example of the sort of woman I aspire to be. The sort of woman any girl would be proud to become, the sort of woman any man would be privileged to call his own, the sort of woman who did not drift through the pages of life but really lived. Beauty, class, intelligence, pride, humble graciousness, curiosity, and devotion. Toni Law has not only influenced these traits on to me as her grandchild, but on to any one she has ever crossed paths with, anyone who ever had the luck and joy to be in her presence. I admit I have yet to become the person I will be. No where near the glory of a Champion, no where near the beauty of an Angel, no where near the owner of life for life, I admit, still owns me at times. This is alright; I assure myself and anyone who still feels the same. For we are still transitioning into the person we wish to be, still aspiring to greatness. We will grow, we will change, we will be loved and idolised for a time, and somewhere, someone will have felt touched by us and although the world may forget us that one person shall not.
Toni Law is my Nana and she is life altering. Nana, whenever you think you are forgetting the person you are, and the person you once were, then remember me and recall these words. You are not forgettable, you are not drifting away, you are merely transitioning once again. The person you are, the person you once were, lives on. It lives on in me. Be brave, for courage is the key to changing your path in life. Only courage and faith will guide us. Have courage in yourself and have faith in me, I hold true, to the best of my ability, the person you have always been. I love you with all my heart and all my soul. I am blissfully yours forever,
Rian
HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with the golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams beneath your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams…
William Butler Yeats
Rian, I am so proud of your beautiful and accurate description of my Mom and your Nana, God Bless you my beautiful daughter. AaF xxx
Tana and Rian… your mom and Nana has been my friend and an inspiration to me for so many years. This is the most wonderful tribute to Toni.
Dear Linda, thank you for your kind words and years of friendship. xxx
Ri beautifully written and perfectly accurate, love to the whole family from E and myself xxxxt
Rian i could not have wrote it better myself. Its about as beautiful as nana herself. Xxx AaF
Rian… brilliantly beautiful. I know your nana will be proud. Wish I could have told mine how inspirational she was. Stay strong ladies, the fight has just begun.. Mingi love always, Xx
Thank you, when writing truthfully words come easy. I love you all and appreciate your comments. Love, Rian
An amazing tribute to a truly inspirational lady! Rian you write so beautifully!! To all the family – you are in my heart always xxx all my love
Tana, I think that this is one of the most amazing, heartfelt, well written, intelligent and poetic things I’ve ever read…. And if this isn’t a testament to how wonderfully you have raised your children I don’t know what is. I don’t think that I have ever felt pride for anything like this in my life. Even in all of my endeavors be they professional athletics, my children and TRUE family (being this side of my family). Or even the bad ones as a deliquent. Those words inspire everyone to be half the person Toni is. Rian, TIva and Savannah are absolutley amazing on so many levels. I miss you and my girls tremendously. It was such an amazing trip we just took to the sequoias and it was so improtant to ne for Toni to be there to say goodbye to Mom. As I read those beautiful words of inspiration and pride it brought me to tears. I love you Sis and your girls who are now obiously women amaze me to no end. I feel so blessed to have in at least a small part to have been a part of their and your life. You were always there for me no matter what. And I don’t think I could ever express that to you… Certainly in the eloquent and loving way RIan just did. Your mother, yourself, and those beautiful girls inside and out have been a blessing on this planet and especially in my life. You and them are proof that the world exists to have people like you in it.
I miss you all terribly and count the days to see all of you.
PS Rian. You have made me sooo proud to be your uncle and to deserve the love that you so readily have to offer.
PSS GIRLS (including you TANA because you will always be my girl. :)- ) if you ever need ANYTHING don’t ever think twice! I’m always just a phone call away.
I love all of you more than I can ever express!!!
Uncle Michael
xoxoxo
Rian, this brought tears to my eyes…It is a beautiful account of your nana. love n’ hugs xxx
August 29, 2010
Dear Rian,
We might have seen each other in passing and you were probably much smaller than you are now.
Bravo for such poignant writing, powerful writing, memorable writing, all saturated with mountains of love and respect for your Toni, Nana.
I’m sending hugs from Paris, France.
When any of your clan are here, please email me and say hello!
Hugs some more,
Pamela Shandel
yyesoui@aol.com
another ‘master piece’ written with such conviction and passion … can’t wait for the next …
A beautiful tribute, it is so wonderful that you share these stories with us Tana and Rian. I am so sorry she is suffering.
I should also say that my father had Parkinsons so I do have some empathy with what you are going through as a family. My thoughts are with you.
I’M NOT SUFFERING AND I’M ALIVE! LOL
Rian, Thank you for your magnificent love poem. When we woke up and read this posting, it took a while to be able to function through the tears. So beautifully written, poignant and I’ll carry it with me all my life. I love you so much, boo!
Tana, you raised these 3 incredible girls, each with their own individual talents and you are an example of single motherhood done at it’s best!
My overall health is phenomenal! My blood pressure averages 112/62, I walk a mile daily and except for this little problem, that I am working on, I fully expect to overcome it!
All my Love, AaF
NANA
What an exquisite testimony to your “Nana”. I enjoyed reading every word and am greatly inspired by your outpouring of love and appreciation for Toni. You are correct when you refer to lack of role models for young women! What a blessing for you to have not only grown up with Toni in your life but to appreciate her for all that she is. Much love ❤
Nana, I meant every word of it and the words came easily. You have been such an influence on me as not only a family member but as a young woman with ambition. I have always sought after the seemingly unattainable in my life, and if quick hands break butterfly’s wings then I learn to move slower, show more calm and reserve, and step back from the reality of life to obtain a clear perspective on what it is that I am trying to achieve, what it is that we are all trying to achieve. You have helped form the person I am today, you taught me grace, you taught me strength, and you taught me the never ending depths one can reach when they have a calm reserve. I love you and always will.
To Michael, you have always been my favourite cousin, so i must just put it out there and say I love you! and your words meant so much to me.
To everyone else, thank you for the support you have given my family through your kind words. We are all touched and feel stronger knowing we have such a beautiful network of family and friends. I appreciate your comments on my writing, this is a skill that I inherited through my mother, who inherited it from her own.
Love and thanks,
Rian
Toni, Tana and Rian~
What a beautiful tribute Rian has written to Toni. I kept praying as I read through it that Toni would be able to read this too. There is certainly fierce love and profound wisdom in Rian’s words.
I have to say, I remember many years ago when Toni had a diagnosis of Breast Cancer and brilliantly fought it with organic healthy foods rather than other medical interventions. Many years later, she was still here and vibrantly well. I have no doubt that she will approach this health challenge with the same determined approach. I love seeing Toni’s reply here. There is a way of living vibrantly, even with illness, that still offers grace. I suspect that Toni of all people will find the spiritual sources to guide her on this path.
Rian, as I read your words, I did recognize both your grandmother and mother in you. You’ve inherited that same gutsy intelligence and vision that seem to run in your family. You’ve given your grandmother a wonderful gift in your beautiful words.
My love goes out to all of you,
Debbie
(Tana’s childhood friend)
Hi Rian,
I’m a friend of your mom’s from when we were kids. You are gifted writer that I see runs in your family. Your Nana sounds like a wonderful woman ~ I cannot wait to read more about her life. We like to say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
This was beautifully written. I especially loved your poetry dedication. Such sweet words.
Julie
Dear Tana,
When I read Rian’s tribute to Toni, my heart overflowed…as well as my tear ducts. I am privileged to call Toni my friend and as such, am available to help in any way if she ever needs assistance. Even though I have never had the pleasure of meeting your daughters, Toni has kept me updated on their lives. You must be very proud of them. And Rian, your heartfelt tribute is magnificently written!
~Om Shanti~
John
Helloooo John,
My goodness it has been years since I heard from you, guess that is because I am half way around the world! LOL. Thank you for your kind words. I am very proud of all my daughters and feel so blessed to have them in my lives.
Hope to hear back from you again.
Love, T
Hi Rian,
I met you some years ago at your Nana’s. I spoke to Christopher today because I was thinking about Toni and he told me about your beautiful post and your mom’s blog.
You have written such a beautiful and loving tribute, with clarity, depth and soul. Thank you for sharing it with the world.
Love, peace and blessings to you and your family.
In gratitude,
Becky
I am a friend of your Nana’s from School in Northern California, over the years I ran into her in different places. She was alway amazing, and I am so touched by your family. Your tribute had me in tears and awe. My prayers are with you all, and I look forward to seeing more of your writing, you are so HeartFelt.
Hi Barbra, sent your email address to my step dad Christopher to show my Mom. Thank you for your kind comment. T
Dearest Rian,
My heartfelt condolences to you on the passing of your very precious Nana. May her dear soul rest in perfect peace.
Thank you for granting me the great privilege of reading your profoundly beautiful tribute to your wondeful Nana.
Only Love in Its highest and purest form can speak with such depth of feeling. You are indeed a very birght light in this world – Keep on, keeping on…shining brightly for all to see.
Remember: LOVE NEVER DIES. Your Nana has just gone a little ahead to put on finer robes – robes befitting such a lofty soul.
Stay strong in the Light that you truly are.
All Is Well.
With love and showers of rich blessings
Gill Gossling
Dearest Tana, Tiva, Rian, and Savanah,
I so loved you mom. She is and was an amazing woman. Her joy, and love and strength has been a source of inspiration. Toni changed my life.
I haven’t seen you in many years, but the time we spent together was very precious. I am so glad Toni came into my life and I had a chance to be with her and spend some precious time with you.
I send you all my love. You are in my hearts.
Love
Marilyn Mosley Gordanier
My daughter, Beverly Fields, sent me this about her friend. I am so glad she had the friendship of this lovely person.
Just one look, thats all it took! To love TONI! Rian got it right. TONI was bigger than life and worthy of the poetic tribute. Take care…..Bert Tycer
Tana, Rian, & Ralph:
I just found out about this fascinating blog, and simply wanted to offer a few observations. Rian’s essay about Toni was both eloquent and accurate. I can’t say I was a close friend, but certainly knew her well enough to know the essay is 100% on the mark.
Tana, I don’t know if you remember me from Savage Harvest, but it’s gratifying to see you are one of those rare people who has fould the life your heart wants to live. Few people are so blessed.
Regarding the alligations made agains Ralph, particularly about Sultan, the tiger, I was there that day, part of the team applying the black hair dye to each of the tigers, and I know that the tragic loss of Sultan was absolutely not Ralph’s fault in any way.
I was sorry to read of Toni’s passing. It’s nice to know the family keeps her memory very much alive.
Best regards,
Bill Munns
Wonderful! Speaking of blogs, I’ve been asked when you three will write again? People are missing you! xoxox AaF